My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
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Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
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They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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