I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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