i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
