So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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