i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
