Acid is not a monday night drug
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
