Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
