I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
