i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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