She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
