Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
