Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
