mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My feet surprised me
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
