last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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