But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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