I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
