drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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