Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
