The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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