You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
