If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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