we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
