I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
