I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
