So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
