Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
