He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
