i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
