life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
