evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
