seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
