Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
