Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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