she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Are my feet made of real feet?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
