I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I currently don't understand fingers.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
