You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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