Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
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Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize