Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize