Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
