i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
