Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
