Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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