Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
