The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
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Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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