Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
