definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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