Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
