I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
