Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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