Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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