Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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