my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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