Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
