The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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