Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
