y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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