Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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