Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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